A look into my thought process as I sit here today watching the woman I love getting her nails done. I’ve known her for about a year and a half, and have become very close with her. 🙂
I’m spending the day with Cis at the mall. She’s in there getting her nails done. I was wandering the mall looking at stuff, but found myself headed back to wait for her. Sitting here, watching her, I am filled with feelings I never knew existed in real life. She has such a beauty about her.
When I first moved to Texas, I wasn’t looking for anyone… let alone somebody to fall in love with. But as soon as I met her, and started to get to really know her, it happened. I am so in love with this woman, who I haven’t even kissed yet. She makes me want to be a better person. I want to spend time with her all the time, and be by her side.
She has been through a lot in life, and even recently. There was a time that she had to break contact with me, and it broke my heart. Those months without speaking to her, seeing her, or having anything to do with her, hurt me worse than my divorce did at its worst. But I never lost hope that she would come back into my life… and she has.
I know she is afraid of these feelings she has. I understand that. I’m not afraid of my feelings, but I do fear having my heart broken. Although, the risk of that is not something I will let hold me back. I love this woman with every fiber of my being, and I think she knows it.
She has my heart forever, and I pray that I have hers. I know I do, but I still fear losing her. She has brought me back to the path of Christ, and for that I am so very grateful. I am also thankful that she has shown me that my heart still works, and she has helped to nurse it back to health.
I get along with her whole family, and love them like I love my own. I want her to be my girlfriend, but she isn’t ready. I shall wait until she is. If love is worth anything, it’s worth doing right.
I have a scar over my heart from my dark times without her. I had lost my way, and started drinking again. She has apologized, but it wasn’t her fault. I feel bad about it because I know she’s going to blame herself when she finally touches my bare chest and feels the scar. She’s going to ask when it happened, and I will not lie to her. But, much like my scars, she has helped to heal so much of what I thought was forever broken. I will never be able to really thank her enough for her beautiful way of treating me. But I do my best. She is worth every hard time, heartbreak, depression caused scar I have on and in my body.
I know it might sound crazy, but I do believe God brought me here with a purpose. I do believe that we are meant to be together, but that’s not the only reason. She has helped me find my way back to Christ, helped me realize that I’m not ugly, helped me realize that I am worth something, and helped me to see that there is beauty left in the world. I think God’s plan was to bring two broken people together so that we might help each other heal, and realize that no matter how badly we have been treated in the past… there is someone out there who holds the key to our heart, and will forever be there. I only hope I have helped her heal at least half as much as she has me.