Alone I sat, in my mentally made cell.
Why was I there, in that self created hell.
Thinking back to school, and my days of dope.
Foot by foot, rolling out the damn rope.
Hallucinogens were my rope, meth my noose.
Heroin in the needle, would have been my cooked goose.
One day in April, in the year ’99,
I awoke, did my prep, and did my last line.
I looked in the mirror, deep into my eyes.
I’m not am addict? Bullshit! No more lies!
I have stomped a mans head, into a curb.
He only mouthed off, something he didn’t deserve.
I broke my glass pipe, and then walked away.
No hospital detox, not even N.A.
17 years, this wagon’s been on this ride.
Not one relapse or slip up, I say this with pride.
For many years I sat, staring at my cell floor.
In the end, it was up to me, to walk out the door.

**17 years ago today I decided to get clean. I hear people browbeat others when they say they have only been clean for one week or one month and it upsets me. The truth is, we all start at day one. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t good enough, or haven’t been sober long enough to be respected for the amount of time you have been sober. Be proud of your accomplishments, and stick with it. One day you’ll look back at all that time, and your use will be a distant memory.**

  I had gone shopping for a few things today, and stopped by the gas station on my way back. I walked in like normal and stood in line. There was a long line and a woman standing off to the side leaning on the counter looking sad. As I got closer, the clerk asked her, “Are you going to be alright hon?”
  The lady said nothing and shook her head no. The clerk spoke to another customer saying that the lady had just told her that she was about to have a seizure. Then she told the lady to sit down and she would go get her mom in a moment. There were still like 4 of us in line and I couldn’t stand there and do nothing.
  Some people have the ability to sense a seizure coming on, and if she really was about to have one, I didn’t want her to fall and get hurt. I walked up to her and offered to help her sit, as she looked very shaky and was trying to sit on the floor. I got an arm and helped lower her to the floor as I was telling the clerk I would go get the mom. Suddenly the lady dropped into the seizure.
  I told the clerk to go get the mom immediately as I took hold of the back of the lady’s neck so she didn’t slam her head into anything. I held onto her throuought the ordeal and her mom came in after it was over and helped as well. She had been sitting against the ice cream bin, so we slid her down all the way to the floor and another customer gave us a sweater to put under her head.
  She awoke confused and didn’t remember anything prior to it. I understand this happens often. She didn’t even remember leaving the house today. We helped her up and were walking her to the car as she was talking with her mom. “Where are we? We aren’t at home. I don’t remember coming here.” Then she looked at me, then back to her mom while she motioned toward me, “I remember him tho. I don’t know who he is, but I remember him.”
  I was floored. Why would she remember me? I would figure that I’d be forgotten like everyone and everything else. I helped her into the car, told them to take care, patted her mom on the back and told her it would all be ok, and went to my car where I cried almost all the way home.
  This is the second person in the last few months that I happened to be in the right place at the right time to help like this. It freaks me out a bit, because my father had a seizure just before he landed in the hospital where he died so it brings back a lot of emotions that i dont enjoy dealing with. But when I’m there, I am calm and alert. I seem to handle the situation well until it’s all over. I’m thankful for that! Could it be that I’m being shown part of my purpose in life? I don’t know what it means, or if it actually means anything at all… but one thing is for sure… I’m happy I was able to help.

  It’s difficult when you don’t have a place to call your own. You start to feel like a failure, a loser, even worthless. I don’t mean having to rent instead of owning… I mean not having a home at all.
  Shortly before Thanksgiving, my roommate’s boyfriend got us evicted. I could have stayed the owner said, unfortunately I couldn’t afford it.
  A coworker told me to come stay on her couch. I did so. I don’t like taking up space in someone’s home. She wouldn’t take any money when I’d offer. A good friend of mine is going through a rough time. Good friend doesn’t fully explain it, but let’s just say that she is not ready for anything more than friends. I love her dearly, and I understand her position… mostly. Anyway, I digress… her daughter and grandson have come to live with her while her daughter is going through a divorce. I love those two like my own. I’ve even told them that I officially adopt them as my daughter and grandson.
  Well, I have been helping them babysit so nobody has to lose hours at work. My boss will usually let me come in at 4 am so I can get off at 1. So, I’ve been doing this for awhile, and the lady where I was staying (after making sure she was ok with all of this) decided it was time for me to leave because I would spend many nights out since nobody got home til 11pm and I had to be at work by 4, there was no point in driving. So, my friend has let me stay at her place now for a few weeks. But it’s getting tiring not having a place to call home. Almost all my stuff is in my car still.
  I do love this woman, and will wait as long as she needs to heal… and my wanting to call this place my home has a bit to do with that, but mostly I enjoy being able to help the people who I consider family. I am prepared to ask tonight if I may consider this my home, or if I should try to find a place I can afford. Regardless of the answer, I will still be helping them… but I pray she says this can be my home.
  I have wanted to ask this question for awhile, but I’m scared of the answer. Then today, with no warning… I started to have a severe mental breakdown. I mean crying at work and just feeling so low that my old self harming thoughts were creeping back into my mind. I asked one of my managers if I could leave for the day, and kind of explained the situation to him. He told me that if I need, they will throw a benefit for “an anonymous employee” to try to raise the funds to get me into a place. 
  I would rather stay here because not only do I get to help with the childcare, but I throw money towards rent which also helps her out more. I’m praying she says yes, but again, I’m afraid of the answer.
  I’m asking for your prayers and good vibes on this one. I know in the end, it is as God wills it… I’m having trouble with that as well, but I do have faith. Thank you for reading, I’ll keep you updated.

As I lay down again
At the end of the day
You’re in the next room
And everything’s okay
You’re curled up in bed
And I’m here in mine
Don’t worry beautiful
Everything will be fine
I long to hold you
Feel your head on my chest
Feel you so close
As we get some rest
I hear your rhythmic breathing
As we fall into sleep 
Feel your hand in mine
As we’re counting sheep
One day it shall be
That we’ll hold each other at night
And in that very moment
You’ll know everything is alright

A look into my thought process as I sit here today watching the woman I love getting her nails done. I’ve known her for about a year and a half, and have become very close with her.🙂

   I’m spending the day with Cis at the mall. She’s in there getting her nails done. I was wandering the mall looking at stuff, but found myself headed back to wait for her. Sitting here, watching her, I am filled with feelings I never knew existed in real life. She has such a beauty about her. 
   When I first moved to Texas, I wasn’t looking for anyone… let alone somebody to fall in love with. But as soon as I met her, and started to get to really know her, it happened. I am so in love with this woman, who I haven’t even kissed yet. She makes me want to be a better person. I want to spend time with her all the time, and be by her side. 
   She has been through a lot in life, and even recently. There was a time that she had to break contact with me, and it broke my heart. Those months without speaking to her, seeing her, or having anything to do with her, hurt me worse than my divorce did at its worst.  But I never lost hope that she would come back into my life… and she has.
   I know she is afraid of these feelings she has. I understand that. I’m not afraid of my feelings, but I do fear having my heart broken. Although, the risk of that is not something I will let hold me back. I love this woman with every fiber of my being, and I think she knows it. 
   She has my heart forever, and I pray that I have hers. I know I do, but I still fear losing her. She has brought me back to the path of Christ, and for that I am so very grateful. I am also thankful that she has shown me that my heart still works, and she has helped to nurse it back to health.
I get along with her whole family, and love them like I love my own. I want her to be my girlfriend, but she isn’t ready. I shall wait until she is. If love is worth anything, it’s worth doing right. 
   I have a scar over my heart from my dark times without her. I had lost my way, and started drinking again. She has apologized, but it wasn’t her fault. I feel bad about it because I know she’s going to blame herself when she finally touches my bare chest and feels the scar. She’s going to ask when it happened, and I will not lie to her. But, much like my scars, she has helped to heal so much of what I thought was forever broken. I will never be able to really thank her enough for her beautiful way of treating me. But I do my best. She is worth every hard time, heartbreak, depression caused scar I have on and in my body. 
   I know it might sound crazy, but I do believe God brought me here with a purpose. I do believe that we are meant to be together, but that’s not the only reason. She has helped me find my way back to Christ, helped me realize that I’m not ugly, helped me realize that I am worth something, and helped me to see that there is beauty left in the world. I think God’s plan was to bring two broken people together so that we might help each other heal, and realize that no matter how badly we have been treated in the past… there is someone out there who holds the key to our heart, and will forever be there. I only hope I have helped her heal at least half as much as she has me.

    I saw a vet today. A Vietnam era vet. He was having to use a motorized cart. I came up behind him and he dropped his cane off the cart. I was too far away to help. I heard him sigh in exasperation and he picked it back up. I could tell it pained him to do so. It saddened me to see such a sight. Here we have a person who risked his life, for an ungrateful country, gaining years and not as spry as he once was. I could tell he felt like shit because of his inability to walk.
    I did what everyone else seems to do and just let it be… but I continued to see the image in my mind’s eye. Around the corner, I was putting away some vegetables and I heard something drop. I turned to see this man trying to grab a pot pie that dropped. It landed in front  of him and slid across the floor. I picked it up and handed it to him.
    I pay a lot of attention to my surroundings, and one of the big things is looking people in the eyes. As I handed it to him, I noticed tears. He accepted the help graciously, but I could see that it hurt him to do so. We could all use a bit of humbling from time to time… but this was too much. He made a “joke” about the eyes going first, then everything else, but what I heard was, “I didn’t used to be this way. I was once young, strong, and almost unstoppable.”
    How quickly our youth goes huh? One day we’re climbing trees, jumping from great heights, and the next we’re in an electric cart trying in vain to pick something we’ve dropped up off the floor.
He thanked me and went on his way as I told him, “No problem.” And I was left thinking… One day this will be me. A mere shadow of what I once was. Not able to do the things I once could. Possibly relying on help from strangers just to get through my day.” Then I started thinking. I believe in karma. And I believe that at times, we can become karma incarnate. Today I got to be a good part of the karma for a man who has done noble deeds in life… and for that I am thankful. I only pray that one day I deserve good treatment like that.
    He went on his way and I went back into the freezer at work and cried my eyes out. It was too much emotion for me to contain. Many good people are looked down upon and treated like crap because they aren’t as mobile as the rest of us. That’s no way to treat people!! Treat them with the same respect that you would treat your mother or father. I mean hell… they have been through more than you most likely… and if not… who cares… they’re human beings, and everybody needs a kind word and deed in life.

  Well, I’ve been here in Texas a little over a year. I got a job, car, and place. A lot has happened in this time, and there have been many ups and downs.
  To those that used to follow my regular writings, I’m sorry I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I’m still here… but things are looking a bit grim. Recently my roommate and her bf screwed things up with the landlord and as of Thursday, I will be living in my car.
  Not exactly how I pictured things going at this point in my life, but it is what it is. I’m trying to stay positive but as you all know, sometimes that can be hard.
  I don’t know when my next post will be, but it will happen eventually. I’m looking at this as an adventure. I won’t ever be late to work, and it’ll be a very short commute, as I’ll be in the parking lot of my employer. Lol. I have a friend that will let me do laundry at her house and shower too. I haven’t told many people because I really don’t want everyone to know… but I have to tell someone. You all are the lucky ones. Lol.
  At least I have a car this time. Last time this happened I was in high school and there were a few nights I couldn’t couch surf and ended up on the street… so, since I have a car and a cellphone, I guess I’m a high class homeless person.
  Anyway… hope all is going well with you all, and don’t forget to take a moment this Thanksgiving to make a mental note of what and who you are thankful for. I certainly will be, because no matter how much I could whine and cry about my situation… it wouldn’t change the fact that there are plenty of people out there worse off than me. Thank you all for reading.🙂