What is it that makes some of us care so much about what others think? I know many people that don’t feel that way. They do what they want, and don’t care about what people say or think. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean they are jerks, I simply mean others opinions don’t directly influence the way they live. Lets say they see a silly hat and feel like wearing it. They will put it on and laugh at the strange looks they get. I on the other hand am completely incapable of doing this. At the first sign of a funny look, off comes the hat, to be put away for good.
  I think it boils down to confidence. A lot of people I know, believe in themselves and have a good self image. Either that, or they do a really great job at hiding their insecurities. (I know everybody has some) I have never particularly had a belief in myself or a good self image for that matter.
  I go about life imagining that people are secretly laughing at me. I think that the people that are nice to me start talking trash as soon as I’m gone. I believe that people tell me they believe in me, but actually have as little faith in me as I do in myself. I believe that most people deal with me out of pity rather than actual caring. I feel like a burden to everyone I know, even if I never ask for anything other than a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have many close friends, and of those that I do, I constantly find myself wondering what I have done to deserve them.
  I know I’m a good person and friend. I am kind, caring, compassionate, always there to lend an ear to friend or stranger. I am sensitive to others feelings, I usually know when someone needs help but refuses to ask for it, and I always try to weigh my words before I speak because it kills me to think I may have hurt someone’s feelings. I am a gentleman who would help someone out, even if it put me in a tough spot. (I have actually done this recently) I know all of this to be true so it boggles my mind as to why my brain tries to beat me down to the point that I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
  I have been this way since I was very young, and these feelings have stopped me from doing many things I would like to do. I routinely shut myself inside of my house by myself, so as to not bother the world with my presence. I don’t go to the movies, restaurants, concerts, or any other public venues. I do have the ability however, to circumvent my brain’s evil control over me if I really care about the person asking me to go somewhere. I will take my kids out to places that I would never go by myself, because I don’t want to burden them with the same mental issues that I have. If I happen to have someone special, I will go anywhere with them. I can muster up the courage to go out and I even end up having fun after the anxiety dissipates.
  I don’t understand why I can do this for others, but not for myself. I sometimes feel like I can because they deserve to be treated as though they are the most important person in the world, while I feel like nothing better than a dog turd in the yard.
  I understand that it is probably just another of my irrational fears, but I’m always worried that everyone is going to leave me, and then I’ll be truly alone. I don’t like to complain much because I understand that when people do that, others start to pull away because all you do is drag them down into your bottomless pit of dispair. So I get up and face the world with what seems like a positive outlook so that I may keep the friends I have.
  I do hope this gives you a bit of insight as to who I am, and how I truly feel. And to my friends who read this… I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and I am thankful for every moment of everyday that you care for me and stand by my side through thick and thin. Even if I don’t feel I deserve it. 🙂