My friends often ask me why I don’t want to go out more. They like to do things like; go to the beach, movies, dinner, theme parks, etc. The truth is hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have the same problem I do. For you who read this, I will try… Because unfortunately, you are easier to talk to if I can’t see your faces. Most of my friends don’t truly know the extent of my issues. They know I’m uncomfortable, but figure it’s mainly because I’m a homebody.
    I have always had low feelings of self worth. But I had a lot of friends growing up. We would hang out constantly. And once I reached my teen years, I was rarely at home. I never had a lot of money to go places, and have even less now, but it hurts me deep inside to know that I am missing out on some really great things because I can’t muster up the courage to just go out. Example: I have lived 45 minutes from San Francisco for about 26 of my 31 years, but I have only seen the Golden Gate Bridge in pictures.
    I feel that wherever I go, people are laughing at me. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like the people around me don’t really want me there. I feel like a friggen charity case. I feel like I’m broken.
    I have a few good friends who do know my issues, and are always trying to help me thru them. It makes me feel like crap that they try and try, to no avail. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the help. It’s just that my brain refuses to allow me to feel good about myself. Hell, even I would have given up on someone by now.
    I know I’m a kind person, and helpful, and generous… in fact, I’m such a great person, that women constantly tell me, “Any woman would be lucky to have a man like you!”
  “So what about you? Wanna go out sometime?”
  “Oh… Um… You are like a brother to me.”
    Thanks! That feels great! But next time, could you just punch me in the face? That would be far less painful. But I will admit, that is a better answer than the 3 times I have actually had a woman laugh in my face when I was only complimenting them. No cheesy pick up lines. I was just being myself, like everyone says I should be. That alone, almost guaranteed the fact that I won’t approach a woman ever again.
    I can’t pinpoint the source of my issues. There are many possibilities. Maybe my parents treated me like crap, maybe all the drugs I did damaged my brain, maybe being thrown out by my ex wife broke more than my heart. Maybe it broke my spirit.
    But I still try not to be bitter. I have my kids and my friends. A because of them, I keep trying and hoping that someday, someone or something will release me from being held hostage by my brain.
    That’s all of my rambling for now. Thank you for reading. I’m sorry I can’t explain it better, but when it’s confusing even to me, it kind of hard to explain. 🙂