June 2012

1.  I am extremely shy when it comes to dealing with women.

2.  I can place my palms on the ground without bending my knees.

3.  I have been off of meth for 13 years.

4.  I am a “tough guy” but I have feelings, and they can be hurt.

5.  I suffer from random bouts of extreme depression. (but who doesn’t)

6.  I like walking in the woods.

7.  I have eaten a scorpion.

8.  I don’t like fish, but will eat it because its healthy.

9.  I’m kind of a pack rat.

10. I’m still afraid of the dark.

Her fingers trace his face with love,
remembering every detail of their lives together.
The color of his beautiful eyes,
resonates within her mind.
“Please don’t go” she pleads,
with every fiber of her being.
He remains silent.
She takes his hand in hers,
and touches it to her face the way he used to, when they were young.
Such a wonderful life they had,
and so many more years they had planned.
But it was not to be.
He still maintains his silence.
She softly places her lips to his, and whispers, “I will always love you”
Then she closes the casket,
And walks away.

I come upon the dark tower,
My long journey finally done.
For years I have chased this elusive tower.
I stand at the base in the shadow of death,
And call the names of those who have fallen along the way.
I enter the doors to find a spiral staircase, going up and up into infinity.
Upon each landing is a door with a number.
I reach the first and peer inside.
There is a man and woman standing,
Holding a crying child.
I turn and head up the stairs.
Door number three
The man and woman are fighting,
While the child cries in the corner.
Troubled, I continue on.
Door number 10.
The child is beaten to the floor by a man,
As the woman watches in silence.
I try to enter and stop it,
But this has already happened,
There its no way to change it.
All I can do is keep climbing.
Door number 12.
The boy stands, fists clenched,
Looking down on a bloody heap of another boy.
Tears well up in my eyes as I turn away.
I skip doors now afraid to see,
What sits in the rooms awaiting me.
Door number 16.
The boy, now almost a man,
fills a pipe with powder, and smokes.
Dark circles under his eyes,
He hasn’t slept in days.
Door number 21
The boy, now a man, stands in a tux.
His bride to be walks down the isle.
He is healthy, clean.
Door number 25
The man and woman play with two children.
They are happy, smiling, loving.
Their eyes are vibrant, and full of life.
Door number 26.
The man stands next to his fathers bed,
Holding his hand as he takes his final breath.
A tear falls to the sheet as he falls to the floor, crushed, confused, broken.
Door number 29.
Blood drops from the mans arm in streams.
A picture of the woman and children in his lap.
Tired, empty, sorrowful.
Door number 32.
The man lays alone in a dark room.
Silence surrounds him as he weeps.
Lonely, hitching breath, dispair.
Door number 35.
The man lays with a woman,
Wrapped in his arms.
loving, healed, hopeful.
I step into the room, and find myself looking at this beautiful creature with love.
Who is she?
Could it be you?

    So I went to the dentist yesterday.  If you haven’t read the first tooth pain post, you should do so now. I’ll wait… You back? Ok.
    Well… I was right. The wisdom tooth had shifted, and was causing all kinds of pressure. The dentist was a cool young guy, and did a great job removing it. My youngest son laughed at me for being the one in the dentist chair for once.
    The root was totally exposed and the dentist asked how long it had been like that. The look on his face was priceless when I told him about a month and a half. He bitched at me for not doing something sooner, until I explained that I had no money. I had to save up just to go to the dentist. Being that he spent 12 years in college, he was a little more understanding at that point.
    So with a gaping hole in my mouth, and my bank account slightly lighter, I can start planning to have the rest of the dental work done that I need.
    Not much else to say, other than, I can’t wait for it to heal so I can start smooching the ladies again. Lmao j/k Have a great day everyone. 🙂

    Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. And all the single mothers too. (Since you have to be dad and mom) I don’t think we should need a special day to say this though. I didn’t always get along with my dad, but he was a great man, and I miss him dearly. This one’s for you pop.

I miss our talks and banter,
I miss your goofy ways.
I miss your warm and fuzzy heart,
I miss you in many ways.
I miss your guidance,
I miss your teaching.
I miss your hugs,
I miss your preaching.
Never on a soapbox,
you didn’t play that game.
It was I who often did,
And thought you were kind of lame.
But sitting with my son today,
I have an epiphany.
I am finally in your shoes,
And it’s where I want to be.
You were one of the greatest teachers,
That I ever had.
You’re in my heart, my mind, my soul,
And I’m proud to call you dad.
Sitting here and looking back,
Everything’s clear to see.
I pray that I am half the dad,
you always were for me.


    What is it about tooth pain, that can turn the toughest guy, into a complete sissy? I come from a family where men don’t show their pain. I was also physically abused to the point that I learned to shut off any massive reaction to pain.
    I have worked through broken fingers, rib injuries, and a cracked tailbone in my time… So why is it that when I get a toothache, I turn into a grumpy, whiny, crybaby? And to top it off, my dumbass doesn’t call the dentist right away.
    “Let’s see if it just goes away.” I think to myself. When the hell does this ever seem like a good idea?! I know my body, and have the ability to analyze pain to the point that I usually know what is wrong. A background in sports injury education doesn’t hurt much. Lol.
    So I’m sitting here, analyzing and struggling not to scream, when I realize its my wisdom tooth. When it came in, it was seated directly beneath my molar. So they pulled my molar and the wisdom tooth grew in. There is a cavity in the molar, but that’s not the pain I’m feeling. The pain is from the shifting of the molar, and its now pushing on my other teeth. The pressure buildup is so bad, that I now have a constant headache that feels like the back of my right eye is being crushed.
    So I call the dentist right? Hell no!! I start effing with the tooth, trying to shift it around and get rid of the pressure. I try to loosen it and hopefully pull it myself. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
    So this goes on for more than a month. My friends have told me to call the dentist. Hell… Even my seven year old told me to call. “I will” I respond. But do I? Of course not. I figure it will go away on its own, or I’ll finally manage to yank the sucker.
    Needless to say, that didn’t work out. I have called the dentist and am waiting for a call back. I’m hoping to get in on Monday, because I have my son with me then, and I can use it as an opportunity to teach him about why he should take good care of his teeth.
    I guess that’s it for now. I will write another one about my dentist trip and let you know if I am correct about the reasons behind the pressure.
    Thanks for reading. 🙂

    “Stop pointing fingers and take some blame. Pull your future away from the flame. Open up your mind and start to live. Stop short changing your neighbors, living off of hand outs and favors. Maybe give a little bit more than you’ve got to give.” -Kid Rock-
    More than ever, I’m starting to notice how rude people are. I mean, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes once in awhile, but have people forgotten the words please and thank you? Do people really have to try to screw one another over? 
    It seemes like the only way to get ahead in life, is to turn your heart to stone, and proceed to stab in the back, everyone in front of you. Well, I have had the knife placed in my hand; and I have also seen the sweet spot between the shoulder blades. A sheath for the blade in my hands.
    I refuse to place the knife where the world wants me to put it. I have thrown it in the dirt after cutting out my own heart. I have cut it out for those that have none. They can have it. I don’t need it.
    Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going all Goth on you all. I’m merely trying to state the stupidity of the state of affairs in this world. Destroying things to get ahead, is a lot like cutting down a tree, to build a treehouse. Where the hell are you going to put it?! How many people have helped a complete stranger today? Yesterday? Ever? It feels better to make somones life a little better, than anything else in the world.
    I would give my life for any one of you, if it meant that you would never feel pain or sadness. There is actually a time that I did put my life on the line to save a friend, but that’s another story in itself. Although I have a wicked scar to constantly remind me of that time in my life.
    I feel like i’m starting to ramble, so here is my point. Love one another! Don’t be another killing machine created by a cold, ruthless world. I also want to take a moment to thank all of you who read the words I spew onto this blog. It means a lot that people actually seem to care about what I have to say sometimes. So thank you all. I love you guys! 🙂

I sit in the darkness,
of my broken down room.
Thinking broken thoughts,
this has to end soon.
I’ve achieved so little,
of what I wanted to do.
I’m tired of this life,
I need something new.
So I rise to my feet,
and head out the door.
Out into the world,
ready to explore.
I head for the hills,
for some peace and quiet.
I am calm on the outside,
but inside is a riot.
I find a small pond,
and sit down for a spell.
I imagine my father,
wishing me well.
“I’m always watching you son,
I just want you to know.
I live on in your heart,
I’ve enjoyed watching you grow.
You will find what you seek,
just stay strong and survive.
Because it’s not all bad,
after all, you’re alive.”
I look into the water,
and what do I see.
A vision of my father,
looking back at me.
“Thank you dad,
I’ll try my best.
I miss you and love you,
in peace, may you rest.”