August 2012

  I couldn’t sleep last night. I just lay there with my eyes closed trying to sleep. The last time i looked at the clock, it was after midnight. Nothing was bugging me so i don’t know why i couldn’t sleep. But i still got up and went to the gym. Yay me!! Lol
  I don’t have much to say about it… Mainly because I’m about ready for bed. It went great, and i felt good all day.
  I found a bunch of older pics of me today, and seeing me thinner just made me hunger for it that much more.
  I originally planned to post every day, but i think some days, when i don’t have much to say about it, i shall remain silent. I’m sure as hell not going to be skipping any workouts though. G’nite everyone. 🙂


  Good morning everyone. 🙂  I didn’t want to get up this morning. My alarm goes off at four a.m. I get up, shower, and go to the gym. Today however, I slept through my alarm until 4:45. That didn’t stop me though. *pats self on back* lol
  I rushed to get ready, and got started only 15 minutes late. I think I’ve mentioned before how I’m kind of a masochist… So working out is great sometimes. Since I slept late… I had to punish myself. An extra 10 minutes with intervals should do it… Oh… It did. Lol
  So, I use the recumbent bike for my cardio, and I always set it to the middle level of resistance. I also choose a random hill program so its never exactly the same. So if you saw the pic from yesterday, the resistance gets harder the higher the dots on the lower left are, to simulate riding up and down hills.  But unlike real life… You can’t coast downhill. The mileage just won’t go up. (yes, i had to see) Add to that, the machine will shut off, and you better keep your ass pedaling. Lol
  Yesterday, the machine blessed me with one big hill. Not too tough, but a good workout. So this morning, the machine had it out for me. I load up the program, and what do I see?  Apparently, I am going to be biking through the fucking Sierra Nevada mountains!! I look at the amount of hills on this one, and immediately the fat boy in me starts blubbering like a bitch, begging me to take him home.
  “Oh my god!!! Look at these hills!! Let’s just go. This is going to be too hard!!”
   “Why do you hate me so much?!”
  So, I silenced fatty and kept pedaling, and kept pushing, and at 20 minutes into my 60 minute routine… Good ol’ fatty spoke up again.
  “I think I’m dying. My legs hurt, I can’t breathe, and my heart is pumping so fast, I’m afraid its going to stop.”
  I ignored him, and kept plodding on. It was seriously killer on my legs, I won’t lie… But seriously?! If it feels good, you’re doing something wrong. How do we better ourselves? Be reaching our limits, and pushing beyond them. If we quit everything when it started to get tough, we wouldn’t make it very far in this life.
  I have no one to blame for the weight gain but myself. Yes i had a broken leg… But that didn’t mean I had to start eating junk again. I did so because it was easier than standing on one leg and cooking a meal. In short, I got lazy, and blamed it on my leg. Well I’m taking responsibility for it now, and there’s only one thing to do… Lose the weight. So that’s the plan.


I did hit 20 miles, but i like the number 19 so i snapped this shot.


  Well, what good is following my adventure if you can’t see results… But in order to see results, I guess I’m going to have to pussy a pic of myself. I will not post pics of me very often, as the more often you see me, the harder it is to see any weight loss. But i will post them since i have to see myself every day, you guys can let me know if I’m making progress. 🙂
  Well, that’s it for now. Have a great day everyone. 🙂

Hey everyone,
I’ve been busy lately.  I know I have complained about all the weight I gained during my broken leg, and how I want to lose it all again.  I was 400 pounds when I started working out, and was down to just under 250 when I fell and broke my leg.  I then proceeded to sit around and do nothing in the year and a half that it took my leg and tendons to heal.  I tore all three tendons that hold the Tibia and Fibula together, and I had two surgeries, and now have a steel plate in my leg.
Well, I have decided that the time has come to stop whining about it, and actually do something.  Just wishing I was back down in weight isn’t going to solve a damn thing.  I was at the gym this morning for almost an hour, and went 16 miles on the recumbent bike, with the resistance set to 10 out of 20.  It felt good, although tiring.  Not good as in, “Wow… that was easy” but as in, “Wow… this is kicking my ass”  I don’t like workouts to be easy.  Yes, it would be nice if they could be easy, But it shouldn’t be.  I have, in the past, had workouts that have felt like I was going to die.  Getting through those left me with the best feeling ever.
I guess I’ll try to continue to write about my second journey into weight loss if you all would like to hear about it.  It shouldn’t be as difficult mentally this time around considering I’ve done it before.
Well, gotta run everyone.  Have a great day, and you’ll hear from me soon.
P.S.  To my friends whom I email… sorry it’s been awhile.  I haven’t forgotten about you, I’ve just been busy.  But I’ll write soon. 🙂


  The zombie apocalypse has started. Many people didn’t think this was possible, but it has finally happened. Now, I’m not talking about the undead roaming around hungering for human flesh. Instead of feasting on brains, they are feasting on technology.
  I see them shuffling everywhere. Iphones and Androids in their faces. Bumping into people. Wrecking cars. Undead zombies can smell human flesh, but techno zombies can smell a text coming, and rush to feed on the electronic lifes blood emanating from their phone.
  Facebook updates go from being something fun, to a necessity to survive. Techno zombies must let us know that they are having coffee in yet another Starbucks because the free wifi is another chance to feed.
  While alternating current killed Topsy the elephant in 1903, we now hold electronic death within our hands. The world has ceased to exist as we knew it. And we are in the midst of the real zombie apocalypse.
  Beware of these techno zombies. You may become infected too. I am not being down on technology, I just everyone to be aware of the dangers. I do love my phone. Wait…. I just heard my droid….
  *shuffling sounds… groan* “Where… Phone… Glued to hand… Oh no!!” *More groans*
  Motorla… Samsung… Iphone… Apple… Microsoft… Hewlett Packard… Gateway… Intel… Amd… Wifi… 4G… Texting… Social media… “Must feed” *groans and shuffles* “teeeeeccccchhhhh.”

I am going to cheat a bit on this post because sometimes someone else can say it better than i can. These lyrics are from a band named Godsmack, and i find them to be very close to my heart at times…

Release The Demons lyrics

What do you see in the dark when the demons come for you

If only you could have seen
how fucked up my life used to be
then everything starts to change
supposedly healing my pain
I never thought I’d feel this way
I never thought that I’d see a day
I’d run away from anything
or anywhere
or anyone
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin
Its taken me all of my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again

And now I look through my minds eye
And see where my past needs to rest
Its always disturbed by these voices
That echo inside of my head
Another way that I can hide
Another reason to crawl inside
and get away from everything
and everywhere
and everyone
Its all these demons haunting me
Its all these little things trapped inside of me
Releasing me from all my sin

Its taken me all of my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons……again

Facin the days as I grow into my own
Loving and hatings the same
And three-fold I told you it comes back with laughter
Over and over again
Its coming back

Its taken me all of my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons again

The sun is bright as I awaken today,
Damn this blue sky and bright light.
I use my inkwell to write the sun away,
Blacker than pitch, now everything’s alright.
The smell of fear arises as everything darkens.
Sweet scents of pain ripple the air.
I hear its breathing and I know it harkens,
I know of it’s power and beg it to share.
It’s hooks grip my flesh and tear me apart,
And bare my tiny shriveled soul.
It shudders as it eats my heart,
I revel in the pain and i know my role.
A demon to some but an angel to others,
A man whose pain you can see.
But if i had my druthers,
There’d be no demon, no world, no me.

Children outside laughing.
I sit in silent tears.
I have my weapon in my hand.
Remembering what it was like.
The world through a child’s eyes,
Is so beautiful.
No more can i see it.
I am cold.
I am lonely.
I am tired.
I am finished.
I put the bottle to my head,
And pull the trigger.

For my dead heart.
For my lungs burning for air.
For my siblings and I.
Represents death in Japanese culture.
For my senses.
For the sense that should have warned me.
For the mystical side.
For infinity.
For the lives of my cat.
For the count down.
For the volume level of my screams.
For the witching hour.
For the number of wraps on this noose.
My feet leave their perch.
The rook cries.

Like a wounded tree,
I compartmentalize the pain.
Set up a barrier,
surrounding my heart.
I lie to myself,
and say it works.
But all it does,
is hold everything in.
Festering, pulsing,
feeding, growing.
It achieves self awareness,
and devours me alive.
There is no grinningbear,
only Abaddon.

The demon laughs,
from the other side of the mirror.
Were you looking for love?
You won’t find that here.
Oh I led you on,
but you refused to see.
It’s so funny,
that you thought it could be.
Gentle kisses,
and nights not alone.
Whispered sweet nothings,
over the phone.
Thoughts of forever,
ran through your head.
But to tell you the truth,
you’re better of dead.
So load up that gun,
and do what you want to.
Don’t be a chickenshit,
See this death through.
Why are you smiling?
How can this be?
You can’t possibly be laughing.
Laughing at me.
“I laugh, stupid demon,
because you don’t see.
It’s I who possess you,
you don’t possess me.
So do what thou whilst,
you won’t see me die.
At my lowest you possibly,
might see me cry.
I’ve been dealt a shitty hand,
but that’s the game of life.
What would be happiness,
without all the strife.
I can deal with the pressure,
I can deal with the pain.
I can deal with the sorrow,
nothing ventured nothing gained.”
I tune out the demon,
as I lay down to sleep.
I hear him laugh in the background,
as I start to weep.

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