November 2012


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  I’m tired. So fucking tired. I try and try to improve things in my life, and nothing happens. Things fall apart.
  It has been awhile since I wrote anything. Not just here… But any writing at all. I just don’t give a shit about much anymore. My depression is eating me alive, and all i can do is try to ride it out.
  I have a lot of good things in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I have a few great friends, my kids, I’m not dying of some terminal disease, I’m reasonably intelligent, and charismatic… So why do I want to go to sleep and never wake up? Where the hell do these suicidal tenancies come from?
  Maybe my parents didn’t show me enough love, or beat me too much as a child. Maybe my ex wife getting rid of me has something to do with it. But maybe, I’m just broken. I know other people suffer from depression too. I’m not trying to sound like I’m the only one… But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why the thought of death is so appealing.
  Everyone says things will get better… It’s just a rough patch. Well, this rough patch has lasted since ’07. I don’t see an end in sight. I’m sure one day I will look back on this and laugh, thinking how stupid I was… But until that day, I am keeping my friends and kids close to my heart, because they are the only thing keeping me alive.

Thanksgiving… A day of the year when we get together with family, eat, talk, call family and friends that we don’t talk to on a regular basis, to tell them how much we love them, and sit around drinking, and eating until we are so stuffed, that we can barely move. I wonder… how many of us really sit around, and count our blessings on this day, or any other for that matter?
We look forward to this day, and a few others, all year long. Then we piss and moan about the cost of the parties we are throwing. The cost of plane tickets, travel fare of all kinds, and the bitchy relatives that will be there, that we really don’t want to see. Are these things really problems? We make the decision to go see these relatives. We make the decision to travel. We are the ones who make the decision to make so much food, that it takes forever to go through it all.
Do we need a special day to be thankful for the good things we have? Should we piss and moan about all the shitty things on a day that is supposed to be reserved for thankfulness? I have an idea. On Thursday, let’s all take a couple moments and make a list of the things that we are thankful for. I think it would be a great exercise in actually recognizing what we are thankful for. I complain about a lot of things, but I try to keep it internal, because I know for a fact that there are many people out there worse off than I am.
While we are sitting there, in our nice warm homes, preparing great food and enjoying the company of loved ones, someone out there is alone. Someone has no heat, in a home that’s falling apart. But at least they have a roof. Somewhere out there someone is living on the streets, having no place to call their own, other than a little patch of sidewalk that people are constantly trying to take away from them. Someone has nobody to call, and nobody to call them, and tell them how much they love them. Someone is crying, because they remember better times. Someone is dreading the question, “So, how was your Thanksgiving?” because they don’t have food. It must be pretty embarrassing to have to say, “I didn’t cook, because I have no money for food. I didn’t go anywhere because nobody invited me. I sat at home, and just listened to the neighbors laugh, and smelled the wondrous smells coming from their home.”
Somewhere out there is somebody who feels that they don’t have anything to be thankful for, because so much has been taken away. They are lonely, they are sad, they are hurting inside. Someone out there is slowly fading away, forgotten in the shadows, one step closer to death. After thinking about that, those annoying relatives, and expensive travel costs don’t seem like such a burden now do they?
I have been through a lot in life (as we all have) and there are times when I am not so thankful for the things I do have. I lose sight of it all while lamenting about how much more I could have. But in reality, I have more than I need.
Here is my list (and a chance for me to test out my new html coding… simple, but I’m glad I learned it. 🙂 )

THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

    • My two wonderful children


    • My health (when I’m not sick)


    • My good friends


    • My job (even though I love to complain about it)


    • The roof over my head


    • The people who read and follow my blog


    • The fact that I’ve learned how to do this with HTML coding

    Now, what are you thankful for?
    **this might change a bit if my coding is screwed up. I don’t know how well actual HTML works on something that is meant for XHTML. 😉