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  I am no stranger to feeling like a worthless piece of shit. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me I’m not, my brain refuses to accept it. I went to work while in high school. I continued working after. I realized, that with shitty high school grades, and no chance of a scholarship, college would not be happening for me. Then I got married to a wonderful woman with a son, and we had another one a few years later, so I have two sons. (I’m going to stop you here because I can hear your eyes rolling, “If you have kids, and treat them well, you aren’t worthless.”) Shut it, this its my tale to tell, and for once in my dammed life, I will be listened to. I’m tired of being cut off and not getting to tell my tale when speaking in person. So i tell it here. Don’t like it? There’s the door.
  So then eventually my wife threw me out. Boozing, abuse, cheating, drugs??? No. We were 27 and not living in a house yet… That was her fucking reason. So out the door I went with her foot in my ass.
  So, 27 with two kids to support and no education… I’m fucked. I never have enough food in the house, but since I’m still fat, no one believes me about that one. I have to borrow money for gas every week just to get to work, which is 36 miles away and over a mountain so i can’t really ride a bike there. (not that i have one to ride)
  Let’s get to today. My nieces bday party. My bro spends a lot of money on his daughter for her bdays. So we’re at a shindig that cost a lot. The kids had a great time. Then pizza. “Hey bear, want some?”
    “Na, I’m not hungry” translation: seeing the food makes me hungry enough, if i eat a piece, I’ll be starving.
  Next… cake, “Hey bear, want some?”
    “Na, I’m ok” same translation.
  Then came presents. Now my bro always gets gift bags for all the kids attending. This time however it was, “ok, who was this gift from dear? Ok, give them a gift bag” He knew i wouldn’t have a gift for her, considering i couldn’t even afford a gift for my son 21 days before. I felt humiliated, even tho they gave my boy a gift bag. (after everyone else had seen that we didn’t give a gift)
  So there i was, leaving with my sons hand in mine, duct tape holding my shoes together, feeling like an utter failure in life and my bro says, “hey, wanna go hiking tomorrow after the kids go to school?”
  My response, “I don’t fucking care bro. Whatever. I’ll text you or something. Take it easy.” I don’t know if I’m going to go. I really don’t fell like it at the moment.
  Now I’m sitting here, my son is eating his dinner, we are chatting. He had a great day, and for that I’m happy. It doesn’t matter how much i feel like a useless piece of shit, my son looks at me like I’m a hero. One day he will realize, I’m certainly no hero, just a dad, struggling in the world and trying his best to be a good father.
  I’m not looking for attention, recognition, or for anyone to click the like button on this one. I just needed to get this off my chest before I grow more sick of myself than i already am.
Goodnight

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