September 2013


  Death comes in many forms;
Death of an era, death of a marriage, death of your childhood, brain death… then there’s having a heart attack and dying in the flaming wreckage that about two minutes ago, was your car.
  I was notified yesterday that my ex wife’s grandfather died in a car wreck. He was a great man. A self reliant, good ol’ boy from Missouri. He was an engineer, who owned his own well digging company. Even in his late 70’s you could still find him out there, climbing the rigs to get things set up. No ropes, no harness, just… climbing.
  When I first met him back in 2001, I had a big black Mohawk and piercings all over my face. He didn’t even bat an eyelash. He shook my hand, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Welcome to the family.”
  My ex and I had just gotten engaged, and I was nervous about meeting him. My grandfather had been from Missouri, and he was very vocal about not liking my piercings. So I worried that he might also judge me by all the metal in my face.
  But he didn’t. I did notice however, that he kept a close watch as I opened doors and pulled out chairs for his granddaughter. I wasn’t trying to impress him though. I always did these things for her. Needless to say, he approved.
  As we left to return home he took my hand and shook it. He said, “I think you’re an OK guy… I don’t care what they say about you.” He gave a smirk and a wink as he said it. I smiled back, and got in the car to drive home.
  Over the years he has asked about me through the rest of the family. Always wanting to know how I was doing, and what was going on in my life. About a year ago, my ex mother in law told me that he said he missed me being around at family gatherings.
  Jim… I have always remembered you fondly. You were always nice to me, and as far as I know… never had a bad word to say about me.
  Rest in Peace Grampa Jim.

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Darkness surrounds me,
Beating me senseless.
A million shadowy hands,
Strip and leave me defenseless.
Surrounded by wolves,
And thoughts of the past.
Think I’m in the clear,
Until a demon bites my ass.
Try to build a fire,
To keep my fear at bay.
Hearing voices of my fathers,
Telling me it’ll be OK.
Knowing that it won’t,
I don’t have to think twice.
No matter how bright the day,
The sun still sets in paradise.
A chorus of wind,
Becomes growls from hell.
Huddled in fear,
With only the light of a cell.
Monsters eat me alive,
As pale blue skies fade to black.
I’m dragged deep into hell,
Pray I make it back.

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Like hardpan desert,
Scars line my body.
The memories fade,
But these lines remain.
Like a grotesque roadmap,
Leading to my ghost town heart.
I trace the lines with shaking hands,
remembering every journey.
Vowing to never come back,
I break down and create a new road.
I watch disconnected
At the creation of this new lane.
Little sharp edged workers,
tearing through the map.
Always doing what they’re told,
The only argument coming from my heart.
It says I need no more roads,
No more rivers, interstates.
I look down at my new lanes,
Melancholy sweetness eases my mind.
No more for today,
But who knows what the future holds.

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Feelings of doubt cloud my judgement
Insecurity rises to the top of my mind
Trying to avoid this mental bombardment
Just trying to get through the daily grind
Self mutilated visions assault my brain
Rusty razors tear out my heart
I see the hole and feel the pain
This is my canvas, my work of art
Tearstained eyes look toward the sky
Begging please calm my mind
I see my broken body and start to cry
The thoughts I have are all unkind
I’m a broken mind who’s lost all hope
Sitting in a pile of self doubt
I could finish it at the end of a rope
But my young son’s heart is what I think about
I can’t do that to him or to my friends
It’s a selfish dickheaded move
This could be where it all ends
But it doesn’t have to, I hope to prove.