Meditation


This song rings so true. I’m tired of being a dancing monkey.

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    Something about the way the sky looked last evening made me pull over and snap a shot.
    The building under construction, backlit by the setting sun, put me in a contemplative mood.
    Sometimes the setting sun is beautiful. This time it looked beautifully evil. Like a nuclear explosion in the distance. I caught myself wondering if possibly there could be zombies or cannibals residing in the building over yonder.
    Then I thought of all the other people possibly looking at the sunset at the same time. What were they thinking? How many of them were wondering where they took a wrong turn in life, missing a lost loved one, contemplating suicide? Were any of them moved to tears at such a beautiful sight in such a shitty world?
    I have a couple friends who enjoy pictures, and one who takes them quite a bit. I wonder, what does this picture make you think of?

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The pathway worn by thousands of feet,
never ceases to amaze me.
So many people have walked here,
but the feeling of isolation remains.
I once walked this path with my father,
as I now walk it with my son.
Showing him the beauty of the world,
one path at a time.
I miss my father beyond what words can express,
but he lives on, in my heart, hands, and soul.
One day perhaps my son will walk here  with his child,
and fondly remember these times.

Standing there under the water,
my body feels light and tall.
This is the place I come to think,
where I feel I can do it all.
The water washes away,
the grime of a long hard day.
I hear the music in the droplets,
and my body starts to sway.
I come out of my body,
and fall through the floor.
This isn’t just water,
it’s a dimensional door.
A doorway to peace,
and faraway lands.
A place where I build things,
with these two tired hands.
A place where I’m happy,
just being me.
A place where finally,
I see the beauty in me.
I turn off the faucet,
and lay down in bed.
It was only a shower,
But I saw a waterfall in my head.

    My eyes turn inward, as I try to figure out the cause of the rage building up inside of me.  Things finally seem to be taking a turn for the better in my life, and yet, I feel the demon within, trying to claw his way out. Do I embrace it, or fight?
    This isn’t the typical, angel on one shoulder, devil on the other situation. This is something in my brain that apparently doesn’t want me happy. But its not the same as the one who devoured me as I fell into a world of drugs and violence as a teen. This one is a lot more cunning. It probably ranks quite high in the pantheon of darkness.
    It shows me images of death and destruction. My body in flames, as my skin melts, like a wax effigy set ablaze. My traitorous legs carry my body up the stairs to the gallows of my mind. The rope eyes me with lust as it fantasizes about groping my neck. I see my own eyes starting back at me from behind the axeman’s hood.
    I thought I had gotten rid of this demon, but I was wrong. Like a skilled soldier, it dropped back and hid from view. I told it to leave, I begged it to go, I commanded. Then came the bloodletting. It didn’t work. They say when you try to kill a man, you better make sure he’s all the way dead… It’s even more important with a demon. They come back stronger, more full of hate, and with more vengeance than you could imagine.  I hear its voice taunting me. Telling me to give up, calling me worthless. I try to drown it out, but it does no good. Have you ever tried to silence your own thoughts? There is only one way I know how… But I can’t allow that. If I do… It wins.
    I won’t promise that I can defeat it, but I will promise to fight with everything I have. I have nothing to lose by trying, and everything to lose by failure. And I don’t want to fail!!

1.  I am extremely shy when it comes to dealing with women.

2.  I can place my palms on the ground without bending my knees.

3.  I have been off of meth for 13 years.

4.  I am a “tough guy” but I have feelings, and they can be hurt.

5.  I suffer from random bouts of extreme depression. (but who doesn’t)

6.  I like walking in the woods.

7.  I have eaten a scorpion.

8.  I don’t like fish, but will eat it because its healthy.

9.  I’m kind of a pack rat.

10. I’m still afraid of the dark.

I come upon the dark tower,
My long journey finally done.
For years I have chased this elusive tower.
I stand at the base in the shadow of death,
And call the names of those who have fallen along the way.
I enter the doors to find a spiral staircase, going up and up into infinity.
Upon each landing is a door with a number.
I reach the first and peer inside.
There is a man and woman standing,
Holding a crying child.
I turn and head up the stairs.
Door number three
The man and woman are fighting,
While the child cries in the corner.
Troubled, I continue on.
Door number 10.
The child is beaten to the floor by a man,
As the woman watches in silence.
I try to enter and stop it,
But this has already happened,
There its no way to change it.
All I can do is keep climbing.
Door number 12.
The boy stands, fists clenched,
Looking down on a bloody heap of another boy.
Tears well up in my eyes as I turn away.
I skip doors now afraid to see,
What sits in the rooms awaiting me.
Door number 16.
The boy, now almost a man,
fills a pipe with powder, and smokes.
Dark circles under his eyes,
He hasn’t slept in days.
Door number 21
The boy, now a man, stands in a tux.
His bride to be walks down the isle.
He is healthy, clean.
Door number 25
The man and woman play with two children.
They are happy, smiling, loving.
Their eyes are vibrant, and full of life.
Door number 26.
The man stands next to his fathers bed,
Holding his hand as he takes his final breath.
A tear falls to the sheet as he falls to the floor, crushed, confused, broken.
Door number 29.
Blood drops from the mans arm in streams.
A picture of the woman and children in his lap.
Tired, empty, sorrowful.
Door number 32.
The man lays alone in a dark room.
Silence surrounds him as he weeps.
Lonely, hitching breath, dispair.
Door number 35.
The man lays with a woman,
Wrapped in his arms.
loving, healed, hopeful.
I step into the room, and find myself looking at this beautiful creature with love.
Who is she?
Could it be you?

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