Personal


Hey everybody.  It’s been awhile since I posted anything.  I’ve been really busy.  I can’t remember if I mentioned it before… and frankly I’m too lazy to go through my past posts to figure it out… but I was given an offer to move to Texas to live with my oldest son, and my ex father in law.  The plan would be for me to go out there, find a job, get a car, and my own place.  It’s a lot more affordable out there than it is here in Ca. 🙂

Work at the ranch has slowed to a crawl, and I’m not making enough money to even pay my cell bill, so as of 11:00pm tonight Pacific Time… I’m hopping a Greyhound to Texas.  I’m a bit nervous about the move, but who isn’t nervous about moving 1800 miles away.  The only thing I have with me currently is my computer and a backpack full of clothes.  I’ve also managed to get my stuff down to an amount that fills only five medium sized moving boxes.  That’s right… everything I own fits into five moving boxes and a big backpack.  Talk about one hell of a reset huh? lol
I will be having my stuff shipped to me once I find work and send some money to my little brother.  So until I manage that, I have about five pair of clothes and a laptop.  I’m looking forward to living in Texas and the opportunities it provides for me.
It’s going to be an adventure traveling by bus to say the least.  I just hope I don’t get stuck next to some crazy person for the whole trip. LOL. It’s going to take a little over two days, and I only have a couple transfers, and a couple layovers that last more than 30 minutes.  In fact, the only downside I see is that the two longest layovers are my last two stops before reaching my destination.  They will both be about four hours long.  But it’s a small price to pay for adventure.
I don’t have much else to say other than I’ll try to keep you all updated.  I’m not sure if anyone bothers to read my stuff anymore considering I write very little, and with much time in between, and I’m not going to plan to write more often, because every time I say that… it gets longer and longer in between posts.  So until my next post, take care and be safe. 🙂
Advertisements

image

Shackles of the world,
Hold you by the ankles.
You started so strong,
Until those skeletal fingers,
Wrapped themselves around you.
Tripped up,
Like laces tied.
You fall upon your face.
The claws of the creature start to attack.
Alone, broken, pain.
No one to help.
You decide to give up.
Look at you now,
Struggling, hurting,
in the hospital.
Can you see that you aren’t alone?
You never were.
Tried to be,
but some people won’t be pushed away.
You need change.
Need to fly right.
Get right with your God,
Because you might not make it out.
But until that happens,
I am here.

I wrote this on the morning of the fourth, as I sat next to the hospital bed of my father’s brother whom I’ve been taking care of for the last few years. He died shortly before 7 pm on January 4 2014.
I’ll spare you the details. We’ll just say that it was a rough death. I don’t have it in me to go over the whole story at the moment, (perhaps later) but I will say this; No other family was there. My ex wife came so I didn’t have to deal with this all alone. And I am very thankful for that.
He’s no longer in pain, and that’s good… but he’s left a hole in my life. Its never easy to lose someone, but we have to remember that life does go on… and time helps heal.
Have a good day everyone, and don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you care… You might not get another chance.

image

In early morning hours

Covered in smoky mist
And small bits of frost
No one sees it lying alone
The cold hardens

But there is still hope
Reality is a different ballgame
Eastern breezes carry me away
Another day goes by
The sun sets again
Help me to live
Everything stays the same

Do you believe in the metaphysical properties of things like gemstones, wood, herbs, and stuff like that?  Personally I do.  My father taught me about these things from a very young age, and although some people find it silly… I’m a firm believer in them.
There is a great web store owned by a woman who creates beautiful jewelry and oils to help you in your day to day life.  Her name is Tiffany, and she runs a store on Etsy that she created when she decided that she loved helping people, and had the ability to do so.  So she got the needed supplies and started building a place where she could sell her crafts.  Things like rings imbued with spirits to help guide you along your journey through life, pendants to help protect you from bad energy, oils that do many different things.

image

image

image

I have known Tiffany for many years, and she is one of the most intelligent, kind, and caring individuals I have ever met.  She’s not selling these things just to make a buck.  She wants to help everyone she can.  I have a pendant that has helped me immensely, and I would recommend her shop to anyone that has a belief in these things.
Visit her shop, take a look, and if you see something you like… buy it.  You can also contact her and ask questions about the item you want to buy.  She is a walking encyclopedia about these things, and is always ready and willing to answer any questions you might have.  Here is the link to her site. 
http://www.etsy.com/people/alive4me0310
Take a look.  You never know… you might find something that you fancy. 🙂

image

He walks along unlit paths,
Lost deep inside his thoughts.
Memories and images,
Cut him down like shots.
Ghostly swirls of mist,
Fill the space that he walks through.
Fears then come invade his mind,
He wonders about the truth.
Is he really broken,
or is it just the easy way.
To never have to utter,
The words he wants to say.
So many times in life,
He takes a backseat.
Because it’s easier to never try,
than end up in retreat.
So he makes a choice,
And prays that it is right.
And hopefully he’ll get some sleep,
Instead of lying awake all night.

image

His heart grows heavy,
As his shadow grows long.
Sitting all alone,
Listening to a sad song.
Clutching the hand,
He broke against the wall.
He relishes the pain,
He doesn’t mind at all.
Circling the whirlpool,
Of this downward spiral.
His brain is rotting,
It’s certainly viral.
Not wanting to live,
But not wanting to die.
Not wanting to laugh,
Or love or cry.
But he cries in the darkness,
And laughs in the rain.
But more importantly,
He loves all the pain

   I heard this song and found that it describes depression better than anything I’ve heard.
    Here are the lyrics in case you can’t understand them. I just hope that maybe this song helps you understand a bit what it’s like… but even this can’t fully describe it.

“Migraine”

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone

I’ve got a migraine
and my pain will range from up down and sideways
thank God it’s Friday
cause Fridays will always be better than Sundays
cause Sundays are my suicide days
I don’t know why they always seem so dismal
Thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle
Whether it’s the weather or the letters by my bed
sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

Let it be said what the headache represents
It’s me defending in suspense
It’s me suspended in a defenseless
test being tested by a ruthless examinant
that’s represented best by my depress…ing thoughts
I do not have writer’s block
my writer just hates the clock
it will not let me sleep, I’ll get some sleep when I’m dead
and sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
yeah, yeah, yeah

I am not as fine as I seem pardon
Me for yelling I’m telling you green gardens
are not what’s growing in my psyche
it’s a different me
a difficult to be, stop feasting lumber down trees
freeze frame
please let me paint a mental picture portrait
something you won’t forget, it’s all about my forehead
and now it is a door that holds back contents
that make Pandora’s box’s contents look non-violent

Behind my eyelids are islands of violence
my mind shipwrecked, this is the only land my mind could find
I did not know it was such a violent island
Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions
They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin
and I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win
I begin to assemble what weapons I can find
Cause sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
yeah, yeah, yeah

And I will say that we should take a day to break away
from all the pain our brain has made
the game is not played alone
And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it
and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone
[Repeat]

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
We’ve made it this far, we’ve made it this far, kid
Yeah, yeah, yeah

« Previous PageNext Page »