Alone I sat, in my mentally made cell.
Why was I there, in that self created hell.
Thinking back to school, and my days of dope.
Foot by foot, rolling out the damn rope.
Hallucinogens were my rope, meth my noose.
Heroin in the needle, would have been my cooked goose.
One day in April, in the year ’99,
I awoke, did my prep, and did my last line.
I looked in the mirror, deep into my eyes.
I’m not am addict? Bullshit! No more lies!
I have stomped a mans head, into a curb.
He only mouthed off, something he didn’t deserve.
I broke my glass pipe, and then walked away.
No hospital detox, not even N.A.
17 years, this wagon’s been on this ride.
Not one relapse or slip up, I say this with pride.
For many years I sat, staring at my cell floor.
In the end, it was up to me, to walk out the door.

**17 years ago today I decided to get clean. I hear people browbeat others when they say they have only been clean for one week or one month and it upsets me. The truth is, we all start at day one. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t good enough, or haven’t been sober long enough to be respected for the amount of time you have been sober. Be proud of your accomplishments, and stick with it. One day you’ll look back at all that time, and your use will be a distant memory.**

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  Well, I’ve been here in Texas a little over a year. I got a job, car, and place. A lot has happened in this time, and there have been many ups and downs.
  To those that used to follow my regular writings, I’m sorry I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I’m still here… but things are looking a bit grim. Recently my roommate and her bf screwed things up with the landlord and as of Thursday, I will be living in my car.
  Not exactly how I pictured things going at this point in my life, but it is what it is. I’m trying to stay positive but as you all know, sometimes that can be hard.
  I don’t know when my next post will be, but it will happen eventually. I’m looking at this as an adventure. I won’t ever be late to work, and it’ll be a very short commute, as I’ll be in the parking lot of my employer. Lol. I have a friend that will let me do laundry at her house and shower too. I haven’t told many people because I really don’t want everyone to know… but I have to tell someone. You all are the lucky ones. Lol.
  At least I have a car this time. Last time this happened I was in high school and there were a few nights I couldn’t couch surf and ended up on the street… so, since I have a car and a cellphone, I guess I’m a high class homeless person.
  Anyway… hope all is going well with you all, and don’t forget to take a moment this Thanksgiving to make a mental note of what and who you are thankful for. I certainly will be, because no matter how much I could whine and cry about my situation… it wouldn’t change the fact that there are plenty of people out there worse off than me. Thank you all for reading. 🙂

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Shackles of the world,
Hold you by the ankles.
You started so strong,
Until those skeletal fingers,
Wrapped themselves around you.
Tripped up,
Like laces tied.
You fall upon your face.
The claws of the creature start to attack.
Alone, broken, pain.
No one to help.
You decide to give up.
Look at you now,
Struggling, hurting,
in the hospital.
Can you see that you aren’t alone?
You never were.
Tried to be,
but some people won’t be pushed away.
You need change.
Need to fly right.
Get right with your God,
Because you might not make it out.
But until that happens,
I am here.

I wrote this on the morning of the fourth, as I sat next to the hospital bed of my father’s brother whom I’ve been taking care of for the last few years. He died shortly before 7 pm on January 4 2014.
I’ll spare you the details. We’ll just say that it was a rough death. I don’t have it in me to go over the whole story at the moment, (perhaps later) but I will say this; No other family was there. My ex wife came so I didn’t have to deal with this all alone. And I am very thankful for that.
He’s no longer in pain, and that’s good… but he’s left a hole in my life. Its never easy to lose someone, but we have to remember that life does go on… and time helps heal.
Have a good day everyone, and don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you care… You might not get another chance.

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His heart grows heavy,
As his shadow grows long.
Sitting all alone,
Listening to a sad song.
Clutching the hand,
He broke against the wall.
He relishes the pain,
He doesn’t mind at all.
Circling the whirlpool,
Of this downward spiral.
His brain is rotting,
It’s certainly viral.
Not wanting to live,
But not wanting to die.
Not wanting to laugh,
Or love or cry.
But he cries in the darkness,
And laughs in the rain.
But more importantly,
He loves all the pain

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Darkness surrounds me,
Beating me senseless.
A million shadowy hands,
Strip and leave me defenseless.
Surrounded by wolves,
And thoughts of the past.
Think I’m in the clear,
Until a demon bites my ass.
Try to build a fire,
To keep my fear at bay.
Hearing voices of my fathers,
Telling me it’ll be OK.
Knowing that it won’t,
I don’t have to think twice.
No matter how bright the day,
The sun still sets in paradise.
A chorus of wind,
Becomes growls from hell.
Huddled in fear,
With only the light of a cell.
Monsters eat me alive,
As pale blue skies fade to black.
I’m dragged deep into hell,
Pray I make it back.

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Like hardpan desert,
Scars line my body.
The memories fade,
But these lines remain.
Like a grotesque roadmap,
Leading to my ghost town heart.
I trace the lines with shaking hands,
remembering every journey.
Vowing to never come back,
I break down and create a new road.
I watch disconnected
At the creation of this new lane.
Little sharp edged workers,
tearing through the map.
Always doing what they’re told,
The only argument coming from my heart.
It says I need no more roads,
No more rivers, interstates.
I look down at my new lanes,
Melancholy sweetness eases my mind.
No more for today,
But who knows what the future holds.

Tear stained cheeks
and bloodshot eyes
Face buried in a pillow
to drown out his cries
He doesn’t know
what he’s going to do
Yes or no
he has to choose
Give his son
a better chance at life
Or keep him near
amid all this strife
Not wanting to let go
Nor hold too tight
He makes his decision
And prays he is right