Alone I sat, in my mentally made cell.
Why was I there, in that self created hell.
Thinking back to school, and my days of dope.
Foot by foot, rolling out the damn rope.
Hallucinogens were my rope, meth my noose.
Heroin in the needle, would have been my cooked goose.
One day in April, in the year ’99,
I awoke, did my prep, and did my last line.
I looked in the mirror, deep into my eyes.
I’m not am addict? Bullshit! No more lies!
I have stomped a mans head, into a curb.
He only mouthed off, something he didn’t deserve.
I broke my glass pipe, and then walked away.
No hospital detox, not even N.A.
17 years, this wagon’s been on this ride.
Not one relapse or slip up, I say this with pride.
For many years I sat, staring at my cell floor.
In the end, it was up to me, to walk out the door.

**17 years ago today I decided to get clean. I hear people browbeat others when they say they have only been clean for one week or one month and it upsets me. The truth is, we all start at day one. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t good enough, or haven’t been sober long enough to be respected for the amount of time you have been sober. Be proud of your accomplishments, and stick with it. One day you’ll look back at all that time, and your use will be a distant memory.**

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  Well, I’ve been here in Texas a little over a year. I got a job, car, and place. A lot has happened in this time, and there have been many ups and downs.
  To those that used to follow my regular writings, I’m sorry I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I’m still here… but things are looking a bit grim. Recently my roommate and her bf screwed things up with the landlord and as of Thursday, I will be living in my car.
  Not exactly how I pictured things going at this point in my life, but it is what it is. I’m trying to stay positive but as you all know, sometimes that can be hard.
  I don’t know when my next post will be, but it will happen eventually. I’m looking at this as an adventure. I won’t ever be late to work, and it’ll be a very short commute, as I’ll be in the parking lot of my employer. Lol. I have a friend that will let me do laundry at her house and shower too. I haven’t told many people because I really don’t want everyone to know… but I have to tell someone. You all are the lucky ones. Lol.
  At least I have a car this time. Last time this happened I was in high school and there were a few nights I couldn’t couch surf and ended up on the street… so, since I have a car and a cellphone, I guess I’m a high class homeless person.
  Anyway… hope all is going well with you all, and don’t forget to take a moment this Thanksgiving to make a mental note of what and who you are thankful for. I certainly will be, because no matter how much I could whine and cry about my situation… it wouldn’t change the fact that there are plenty of people out there worse off than me. Thank you all for reading. 🙂

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My view of the sunset when looking West

     As I sit in the chair and watch the beautiful sunset, my mind looks back on the last two weeks of my life.  My body is sore, there are aches in places I didn’t even know I had, my hands are becoming calloused again.  I have learned many things in my short time here… and there are many more to learn.  But I have noticed one thing… it’s quiet.  Not devoid of sound kind of quiet, but the quiet that comes with being away from cities.  There is a highway that intersects the land I’m on, but being a city boy, I’m used to the sound of cars.  But our nearest neighbor is two miles away.  I have always wanted that kind of seclusion.  

     I awake in the morning, and step outside to watch the sunrise and listen to the animals prattle on about whatever it is they talk about.  Sometimes I cry because of the beauty of it all.  Have you ever seen something so beautiful that it made you cry?  It’s actually a good feeling.  Not like that crappy feeling when you cry because you’re hurting.  After watching the animals for awhile, I have breakfast and get to work.  Work could be anything.  It could be fixing the barb wire fence where some jackass drove through it, remodeling a room in the 130 year old house, or digging a big ass hole for the start of a foundation (btw, holes are dug with a shovel here for most part) LOL
     There are many things we do here, and there will be more as we get the place up and running.  During my spare time I can usually be found learning some type of new skill.  I have taken a liking to survival skills.  I have learned how to make fire from multiple different starting points. IE: magnesium stick, flint and steel, etc…  I’m learning and practicing some tracking skills, and I have learned (in theory) how to gut, skin, and cut a rabbit up for food… and to tan the hide.  (If I’m going to hunt rabbit, there will be no wasted part)  I haven’t hunted rabbit yet, but eventually the time will come.  I also know how to skin and cook rattlesnake.  They’re all plentiful out here.  I am also learning the different leeching processes for removing the tannins from acorns so I can learn to make acorn a part of my diet.  The natives used to fight over some of the old white oaks because the health benefits were so great. 🙂
     It’s not all roses though.  There are downsides.  There are Coywolves out here.  That is a wolf and coyote hybrid, that are pretty much all the bad things about the two animal wrapped up into one.  They will attack you if they get the chance.  So you need to be very aware if you’re outside of the house at night.  It’s nice being far removed from neighbors… but that also makes us vulnerable.  There have been times when people just come on our property.  Some are harmless, and then there are some like when the two guys were looking at my bosses truck, and one was trying to distract my boss.  I miss my son more than ever. (He is doing well though)  And let’s face it… there’s no way I’m going to meet a woman out here on the ranch.  I’d have to go into the city if I wanted to meet a woman… but I’ve got too much on my plate already. LOL  I’ll live though. 
     I better get outside, as I’ve already missed the sunrise while writing this.  Have a great day everyone. 🙂

Hey everyone. It’s been awhile since I posted. I’ve been going through a lot lately. Just before the lacrosse season ended, I was told that my ex wife was looking for job opportunities in Australia… and my 8 year old son wanted to go. I knew two things in that moment. I could say no, and hold it up in court for 10 years, or I could allow it to happen.
  I ran these options through my head for weeks. I talked with my ex, her parents, (whom i love dearly) and my son. I know it will kill me to be that far away from him, but can I really deny him this opportunity? In the end, the answer is that I cannot deny him. He has an opportunity to see a part of the world that I have always wanted to see. And he has a chance to experience the world.
  They will be gone for two years. Then, after they return, she will be looking for work in Ireland. I have looked into the possibility of moving there to be close to my son (as my older son was actually my stepson, and he is moving far away with his real dad) but, without a degree… Most other countries won’t let you in for more than a visit. On a travel/vacation visit, it is illegal to work or earn money. So I guess that plan is out of the window… for now.
    Then, my best friend, who’s car I have been borrowing, since i can’t afford my own, decided that he needs it back because his other car is broken down. I can’t be too upset… it is his car after all. But now I’m kind of in a lurch. He still drives me to work, but I hop the bus to his house in the mornings. So instead of leaving at seven a.m. I leave at 10 to six. I get to his house, and we ride to work at about 8:30. Then on the way home, he drops me off at a trolly station, and I hop on that and get home.
    So now, I’m facing life without the option to see my kids whenever I want. (A tough thing for a father that is very active in his children’s lives. Hell, the day I broke my leg, I still drove to pick them up for the weekend…. 6 hours after breaking it.)  I have no more vehicle. (Although, if the ladies ask, I got rid of the car to be more green. 😉 lol)
…. I have let this writing sit for about a week now. In that time, I have had a lot of time to think. I had forgotten what it was like to slow down, take a walk, and just appreciate your surroundings. The first thing that happened was, I needed to get somewhere that the buses don’t travel. I thought about how I was going to accomplish this feat. I’ve had a vehicle for so long that I had almost forgotten how to get around without it. I had to go get a money order to pay rent. The closest place for me to do that, is 4 miles away. I had already been up early, taken my son to school on the bus, gone downtown to pay some taxes for my uncle, (totaling about 4 miles walking already) and made it almost home. “How would you have done this as a teen?” I asked myself. I debated going home and grabbing either my rollerblades or skateboard, which have been sitting unused since I broke my leg in 2010. I decided I would just walk. As teens, we used to walk everywhere. Now we jump in our car and go wherever. I was gone from the house most of the day, but in the end, I had walked 12 miles and accomplished everything I had set out to do. I also got to take my time, and actually enjoy seeing my neighborhood at walking speed, rather than whizzing by at 60mph.
  I have had a few other adventures, but this post is long enough already. I plan to start a series called Adventure Time, discussing the adventures I have while navigating this world with no vehicle… Stay tuned. 😉

This song rings so true. I’m tired of being a dancing monkey.

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  I am the father of two wonderful children. My oldest is 16 so right about now, I’m more of an irritating factor in his life. I remember being there, wanting to do anything, but hang out with my dad. My youngest just turned 8 today. He’s a little ball of energy, that never fails to impress me with his wit and intelligence. He is so much like my father and myself that it scares me.
  I get my kids on the weekends, and the ex wife has them during the week. So I decided to stop by this morning before work, and tell him happy birthday.
  As I walked in, his eyes lit up. He wasn’t expecting to see me until Sunday, as he is having a sleepover with his best friend on Saturday. I told him happy birthday, and that I loved him. I also gave him a really big bearhug…
  That’s when my emotions started to get the better of me.  Most of you who follow my blog know that I’m pretty poor. I write everything on my phone because I have no computer or internet. I live in a dilapidated old mobile home with leaks in the roof, and no heat. Sometimes you can see your breath inside my house. Thankfully a dear friend recently sent me a blanket she made for me, and it is the warmest blanket ever. (Thank you my dear. You really are my best friend)
  Well, being that I struggle financially, (i use that phrase loosely) it probably comes as no surprise that I also had to look my kid in the eyes and tell him that I don’t have a gift for him… Do you know how hard that is to do?! How much it breaks your spirit, to tell your own child that you are too poor to get them a gift?! Most of us understand that gifts aren’t that important. But did we understand that at 8? He does… Like I said, he never ceases to amaze me.
  I look at him, and pray with all my heart and soul, that he never has to feel the feelings of worthlessness and self doubt that I do. I know he will look back and say, “I remember when my father was too poor to get me a gift for my birthday… But no matter what, he was always there for me.” Just like I remember my late father with fondness.
  As he grows, we will certainly argue, disagree, and fight at times… But I will always love him. And he has given me the greatest gift of all. His love.

In his hands,
he holds his fate.
Life or death,
is his to take.
He takes a stroll,
down memory lane.
Smiles at the pleasure,
cries at the pain.
He sees his children,
sees them cry.
“Why did my daddy,
have to die?”
His friends would be there,
mourning as well.
He seemed so happy,
but his life was like hell.
Never felt good enough,
always felt bad.
Laughing on the outside,
But inside he was sad.
He had so much,
to be happy for.
But he locked the latch,
when he closed the door.
They would find his body,
in the hills where he walked.
Everyone would remember,
every time they talked.
Full of great advice,
that he just couldn’t take.
Too bad he didn’t realize,
because now it’s too late.