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The Ranch House
 
For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to live on a ranch or farm.  I remember going to visit my Grandfather as a child.  He was a “Man’s man” as they say.  He knew how to do everything.  Cook, hunt, build things (everything from supplies such as wood, metal, stone, etc)  He knew everything I’ve always wanted to know.  Well, I grew up, graduated high school, met a wonderful woman, and had kids.  One day everything went to shit.  I have gone on this rant before so I won’t bore you with it again.  But needless to say, I ended up moving in with my father’s brother, who married my mom after she left my dad.  We was messed up from years of drugs and drink.  

     Well, some time ago, my ex wife (whom I have a good relationship with) asked if I would be okay with her and my youngest son moving overseas for awhile.  After a long decision making process, I decided that I couldn’t let him miss the opportunity to see another country.  Well, time went on, I kept working, chasing my tail, trying to keep up with my bills and the like.  My uncle got an abscess in his tooth, and even after seeing the dentist and getting antibiotics, it kept getting worse.  He wouldn’t go to the doctor.  He ended up 
dying a horrible death.  The tale of his death is another story; which I plan to write at some point.  Shortly after, I was informed that my youngest son wouldn’t be moving overseas, but he would be moving about 2100 miles away.  He was moving to the other coast.  I was, and am, glad for his opportunity, but I miss him dearly.
     I was given an opportunity from a lifelong friend to move to his ranch, and be a ranchhand.  What kind of moron would deny himself the opportunity when it finally presented itself?! LOL  I have been on the ranch now for about a week, and every day has brought me new lessons, skills, and a sense of accomplishment that I haven’t had in a long time.  This ranch was left to it’s own for about 50 years before my friend came here.  There are no animals yet, except for the cattle that someone pays to use our land to let them graze. There are very few fruit trees left.  My days so far have been spent doing everything from fixing barb wire fences, building foundations for structures, and learning construction and finishing techniques while helping to remodel the living room.  The old phrase, “You learn something new every day” really applies out here on the ranch.
     I don’t know what will become of my blog.  I haven’t had the inspiration to write lately, and when I try and force it, nothing comes of it.  I have a lot of work to do here, and while I have tons of time, I don’t usually feel like writing after 12 or 14 hours of work in a day.  I have awakened early this morning to write this quick piece and let you all know that I’m alive and well… and living the dream. 🙂
 
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The Lake on the Property
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Well, the last month has been hectic indeed.  My youngest son is now living in Georgia with his mother.  I do get to talk to him all the time though, and we text back and forth.  My uncle that I’ve helped take care of for the last few years has died, and my brother and sister have sold his house.  I have moved about 130 miles North near our state capitol.  This is the first morning I have awaken here.

I’m looking forward to a new start out here, where the only people I know are a few family friends, and my siblings.  There was nothing left in my area for me to stay for, so it made leaving a bit easier than I thought it would be.  Don’t get me wrong… that place had been home in some form or another for the last 20 years, and I’ll admit I cried a bit as we drove off.  But I am old enough to know exactly how correct the statement is, “Home is where the heart is.”  My home is no longer in the Silicon Valley. 

I’ll need to find a new job, but I’m covered until I can find one.  I have plans to keep up on my posts more often, as I now have internet so I can use my laptop and not just my phone.  I have a couple other things in the works, but I am keeping silent about them for the moment.  And I will be seeing my kids in May when my oldest graduates high school. (Holy crap I feel a bit old after that statement. LOL)

Anyway, enjoy the pic of the siblings and me.  I’ll post again soon. 🙂

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Shackles of the world,
Hold you by the ankles.
You started so strong,
Until those skeletal fingers,
Wrapped themselves around you.
Tripped up,
Like laces tied.
You fall upon your face.
The claws of the creature start to attack.
Alone, broken, pain.
No one to help.
You decide to give up.
Look at you now,
Struggling, hurting,
in the hospital.
Can you see that you aren’t alone?
You never were.
Tried to be,
but some people won’t be pushed away.
You need change.
Need to fly right.
Get right with your God,
Because you might not make it out.
But until that happens,
I am here.

I wrote this on the morning of the fourth, as I sat next to the hospital bed of my father’s brother whom I’ve been taking care of for the last few years. He died shortly before 7 pm on January 4 2014.
I’ll spare you the details. We’ll just say that it was a rough death. I don’t have it in me to go over the whole story at the moment, (perhaps later) but I will say this; No other family was there. My ex wife came so I didn’t have to deal with this all alone. And I am very thankful for that.
He’s no longer in pain, and that’s good… but he’s left a hole in my life. Its never easy to lose someone, but we have to remember that life does go on… and time helps heal.
Have a good day everyone, and don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you care… You might not get another chance.

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In early morning hours

Covered in smoky mist
And small bits of frost
No one sees it lying alone
The cold hardens

But there is still hope
Reality is a different ballgame
Eastern breezes carry me away
Another day goes by
The sun sets again
Help me to live
Everything stays the same

Do you believe in the metaphysical properties of things like gemstones, wood, herbs, and stuff like that?  Personally I do.  My father taught me about these things from a very young age, and although some people find it silly… I’m a firm believer in them.
There is a great web store owned by a woman who creates beautiful jewelry and oils to help you in your day to day life.  Her name is Tiffany, and she runs a store on Etsy that she created when she decided that she loved helping people, and had the ability to do so.  So she got the needed supplies and started building a place where she could sell her crafts.  Things like rings imbued with spirits to help guide you along your journey through life, pendants to help protect you from bad energy, oils that do many different things.

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I have known Tiffany for many years, and she is one of the most intelligent, kind, and caring individuals I have ever met.  She’s not selling these things just to make a buck.  She wants to help everyone she can.  I have a pendant that has helped me immensely, and I would recommend her shop to anyone that has a belief in these things.
Visit her shop, take a look, and if you see something you like… buy it.  You can also contact her and ask questions about the item you want to buy.  She is a walking encyclopedia about these things, and is always ready and willing to answer any questions you might have.  Here is the link to her site. 
http://www.etsy.com/people/alive4me0310
Take a look.  You never know… you might find something that you fancy. 🙂

   I heard this song and found that it describes depression better than anything I’ve heard.
    Here are the lyrics in case you can’t understand them. I just hope that maybe this song helps you understand a bit what it’s like… but even this can’t fully describe it.

“Migraine”

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone

I’ve got a migraine
and my pain will range from up down and sideways
thank God it’s Friday
cause Fridays will always be better than Sundays
cause Sundays are my suicide days
I don’t know why they always seem so dismal
Thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle
Whether it’s the weather or the letters by my bed
sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

Let it be said what the headache represents
It’s me defending in suspense
It’s me suspended in a defenseless
test being tested by a ruthless examinant
that’s represented best by my depress…ing thoughts
I do not have writer’s block
my writer just hates the clock
it will not let me sleep, I’ll get some sleep when I’m dead
and sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
yeah, yeah, yeah

I am not as fine as I seem pardon
Me for yelling I’m telling you green gardens
are not what’s growing in my psyche
it’s a different me
a difficult to be, stop feasting lumber down trees
freeze frame
please let me paint a mental picture portrait
something you won’t forget, it’s all about my forehead
and now it is a door that holds back contents
that make Pandora’s box’s contents look non-violent

Behind my eyelids are islands of violence
my mind shipwrecked, this is the only land my mind could find
I did not know it was such a violent island
Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions
They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin
and I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win
I begin to assemble what weapons I can find
Cause sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
yeah, yeah, yeah

And I will say that we should take a day to break away
from all the pain our brain has made
the game is not played alone
And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it
and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone
[Repeat]

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know we’ve made it this far, kid
We’ve made it this far, we’ve made it this far, kid
Yeah, yeah, yeah

  Death comes in many forms;
Death of an era, death of a marriage, death of your childhood, brain death… then there’s having a heart attack and dying in the flaming wreckage that about two minutes ago, was your car.
  I was notified yesterday that my ex wife’s grandfather died in a car wreck. He was a great man. A self reliant, good ol’ boy from Missouri. He was an engineer, who owned his own well digging company. Even in his late 70’s you could still find him out there, climbing the rigs to get things set up. No ropes, no harness, just… climbing.
  When I first met him back in 2001, I had a big black Mohawk and piercings all over my face. He didn’t even bat an eyelash. He shook my hand, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Welcome to the family.”
  My ex and I had just gotten engaged, and I was nervous about meeting him. My grandfather had been from Missouri, and he was very vocal about not liking my piercings. So I worried that he might also judge me by all the metal in my face.
  But he didn’t. I did notice however, that he kept a close watch as I opened doors and pulled out chairs for his granddaughter. I wasn’t trying to impress him though. I always did these things for her. Needless to say, he approved.
  As we left to return home he took my hand and shook it. He said, “I think you’re an OK guy… I don’t care what they say about you.” He gave a smirk and a wink as he said it. I smiled back, and got in the car to drive home.
  Over the years he has asked about me through the rest of the family. Always wanting to know how I was doing, and what was going on in my life. About a year ago, my ex mother in law told me that he said he missed me being around at family gatherings.
  Jim… I have always remembered you fondly. You were always nice to me, and as far as I know… never had a bad word to say about me.
  Rest in Peace Grampa Jim.